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Post by Amstel Bear Hugs on Oct 18, 2012 19:20:40 GMT -5
Precious is now in the time out chair!!
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."
The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."
The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"
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Post by newzealander on Oct 18, 2012 23:50:40 GMT -5
I must first apologize if any of my jokes offended anyone. It was not my intention  . This thread was started so we can share a few laughs and to get away from the mundane world of MT2 life. I, for one, do not get easily offended at all. I take all jokes with a grain of salt and realize what they really are...jokes. But I can see how some people may take issue with certain jokes. For this, I ask that all jokes related to religion, sexual orientation, race and human genitalias be excluded. There is a fine line with those subjects and I've obviously crossed the line with the priest joke. Again, my apologies. Last one before I take my rightful place on the "time out" throne. The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm 7:00 Shower and massage 7:30 BJ Singh 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 BJ Singh 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 BJ Singh 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 poop, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal. 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 "cuddle" with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight BJ Singh. Sleep Lighten up people, lets not take things too seriously. It's all in good fun! Kech, my husband said to tell you that if "his day" was perfect, the 3 women would be sisters at least, but probably triplets.  |
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Post by leilani on Oct 19, 2012 7:29:53 GMT -5
This is why I find it best to stick to jokes about politicians and lawyers. It seems no one cares if you insult them. I'm not one to be easily offended, but I was an HR manager so I just think of my most easily offended employees and determine that everything is offensive. Oh the stories I could tell and you would all think they were bad jokes. The problem is that you just never know what someone else might be offended by and more often than not a good joke is probably going to offend someone at least a little bit. I have a really cute joke about a priest that was told by my priest in church so it would seem that it would be safe to share on a forum like this, but I know someone could consider it blasphemy so I've refrained from sharing it. (If you're interested you can PM me). Anyway, I guess I'll just stick with lawyer and politician jokes. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: Senator. |
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Post by foxxland on Oct 19, 2012 9:49:18 GMT -5
The real problem is people's inability to separate real life from humor. I will once agin refer back to Kech's joke as I'm going to use it on stage this weekend. If I see on the news that a priest, or reverend, or preacher, as not to get religion specific, molests a group of Boy Scouts, I would be offended and I would hope every right minded person would. But when it's told as joke, especially in a thread, it's funny. But I also want to respect the forum guidelines and the wishes of the mods, so I've decided to leave my jokes to other places and keep my time here game related. I will still read all of joke posts here and everyone please PM me your "too offensive" and otherwise not allowed jokes. You won't offend me.
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Post by Raven on Oct 19, 2012 10:36:49 GMT -5
I do hear what your saying Foxx - was watching the Boy Scout thing on news last night - your PM box could overflow with new material!
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Post by newzealander on Oct 19, 2012 13:16:39 GMT -5
Being a twin myself, I quite like twin jokes...
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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Post by Precious on Oct 19, 2012 17:32:37 GMT -5
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ "Try doing it with the engine running."
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Post by Raven on Oct 19, 2012 17:42:18 GMT -5
Lol kiwi and Precious!
Precious love the new look - cool sig too!
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Post by CoolMan!! on Oct 19, 2012 17:49:10 GMT -5
More Blonde Jokes
What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh,look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,"Oh, look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said, "Where? Where?"
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
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Post by leilani on Oct 19, 2012 20:18:44 GMT -5
More Blonde JokesHow can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. OMG, this reminded me of a call a friend of mine got at work. One of the girls in one of the field offices had sent us a fax; then, called and asked my friend if she could fax it back because she forgot to keep a copy for their office. I don't know how she kept from laughing as she told the girl that she'd send it right back over to her and it should be on the fax machine by the time she got there. |
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Post by Raven on Oct 19, 2012 21:20:45 GMT -5
Rofl Leilani but I mustn't laugh to hard cuz the last blonde joke of coolmans. Could be me!!!!! Lol
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Post by foxxland on Oct 20, 2012 11:30:05 GMT -5
If you want a good laugh, search "woman wants deer crossing signs moved" on YouTube. A woman calls a radio station to complain about where the state transportation dept placed the signs allowing deer to cross the highway. She is 100% serious. It is a safe for work and family friendly video.
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Post by newzealander on Oct 20, 2012 14:26:10 GMT -5
If you want a good laugh, search "woman wants deer crossing signs moved" on YouTube. A woman calls a radio station to complain about where the state transportation dept placed the signs allowing deer to cross the highway. She is 100% serious. It is a safe for work and family friendly video. LOL I just listened to it. Surely she is on a dare? She has to be. If so, she deserves a best actress award. A little Sunday morning silliness... Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens. |
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Post by CoolMan!! on Oct 20, 2012 19:42:35 GMT -5
Got a lame but funny knock-knock joke
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!
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Post by CoolMan!! on Oct 20, 2012 19:44:00 GMT -5
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
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Post by kechibam on Oct 21, 2012 11:09:27 GMT -5
Lol kiwi, that would be the icing on the cake, the ultimate perfect day for him. Boys will he boys ;D. I like ur husband . Foxx, thanks for sharing. Wonder if the caller is a blonde  Lol Speaking of blondes, one of my favorite blonde jokes: Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, 'That’s quit nice, don’t you think, Tracy?' 'Yeah, what’s it called Sharon?' 'Viens a moi' 'Viens a moi? What does that mean?' At this stage the store clerk offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘Come to Me’. Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, 'That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?' One of my favorite YouTube videos: youtu.be/gA9ifz2I8_w |
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Post by Raven on Oct 21, 2012 11:52:04 GMT -5
Lol Foxx - just watched deer crossing vid! Had to send it to friends! She totally sounded 100% serious! Tooo funny -
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Post by leilani on Oct 21, 2012 12:40:04 GMT -5
If you've ever been annoyed by a telemarketer, you have to Google "Tom Mabe" and listen to his murder scene call.
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Post by Raven on Oct 21, 2012 15:15:11 GMT -5
Hmmm didn't know whether to put this in book or joke thread  |
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Post by Raven on Oct 21, 2012 15:15:54 GMT -5
Try again! Attachments:
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. This thread was started so we can share a few laughs and to get away from the mundane world of MT2 life. I, for one, do not get easily offended at all. I take all jokes with a grain of salt and realize what they really are...jokes. But I can see how some people may take issue with certain jokes. For this, I ask that all jokes related to religion, sexual orientation, race and human genitalias be excluded. There is a fine line with those subjects and I've obviously crossed the line with the priest joke. Again, my apologies. 
Lol
and a lot of information will be out of date.